I know it has been quite a while since my last post. Things have been crazy busy for me what with student teaching, my online class, preparing for the AEPA, padres and chargers games, the SCSBOA Fall Conference, etc. But it is that time of the year where I sit and truly think about my friends, "friends," and everyone else that I know.
I apologize in advance if this seems rather scatter-brained. I haven't been sleeping well and I spent most of the night sitting here crying and feeling sorry for myself because it was just one of those days where you need a really good cry and you'll feel better. Well, the feel better part is creeping in slowly, so I figured getting my thoughts out would help.
I've been back in San Diego for about a month and half (wow, it feels like it's been several months), and it's nothing like it was when I was in high school. Obviously. I'm a different person. So are all of my friends from Bonita Vista and Mt. Carmel. Yes, I still talk to some of them every once in a while. You know those conversations...the "Hey, how's it going, long time no talk," conversations. But while I'm sitting here, I've realized a few things.
I really miss being in Flagstaff. Not for the city or the school, but for the people. I didn't have very many close friends, and I never really have throughout my entire life. It's always been a few people and then everyone else I know and hang out with on occasion. But I miss those "on occasion" people. And the close friends as well. I don't have that here. I have my family, Richard and 2 close friends. That's it.
I have my family, Richard and 2 close friends. I realized this tonight. I depend too much on these people. Whether its for comfort, laughs, hanging out, sports games...anything. And I realize this, not because we are growing apart, but because I miss the "on occasion" people I used to have down here. And I miss my old high school friends, desperately. I lost a lot of friends in high school at Bonita through my 3 years there for various reasons. Some good and some bad. But the ones that stuck with me were the ones I thought I would always be in touch with. Jeanette, Melanie, Elizabeth, Janella...just to name a few. And then the wonderful friends that I made at Mt. Carmel during my senior year: Kirsten, Agnes, Cheryl, Liz, Alyssa, again to just name a few.
I've been student teaching at Olympian High School. I see these students everyday in their groups, laughing and having fun. You know, the carefree days of high school. And as much as love being out of high school and almost into the real world, I can't help but miss it. There are some students that I connect with more than others, and I think to myself, Are these the people I would have been friends with if I was in high school? Or I think to myself, This person really reminds me of (insert name here). I didn't realize how much I missed these people until I started student teaching.
One last thing that I realized. I regret not making the effort to keep those friendships alive. When I came home on breaks those first few years of college I was putting all of my energy into my long distance relationship. Understandable, yes. But unforgivable. And I am paying the price now for sacrificing my friendships for a relationship that didn't even last. And where did it leave me? Lonely. I will learn this time around though. When I'm in Flagstaff I'll make the effort to see my friends and not just Richard (no offense, babe).
"A college is a place where pebbles are polished and diamonds dimmed." I love this quote. It's true to your everyday life as you grow as a person and a friend. I've lost almost all of my diamonds. But now I need to find my pebbles and polish them. It's always a work in progress.
CM
